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:icongentlepeace: More from GentlePeace

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Submitted on
September 8, 2013
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512 bytes


124 (who?)
I see you’ve been weeping for some time now

You’re all torn out and cold

Even if all you see is darkness

You’re the bit of light that’s shining

And I know you don’t have control

But you can't just let go

Because if one day you do, you might lose yourself

Then I’ll be left alone, with no one to hold.
I couldn't come up with a better title.
This poem would sound way better if sung...

Worst thing you could do is to give up; give me your thoughts!

But anyways, watch me if you want more.
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BellaGBear Nov 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very interesting.  Love the situation you sketch about them both being fucked up and needing each other to keep from falling apart
GentlePeace Nov 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's somewhat love, right?
BellaGBear Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah I guess it is. Always good to see how people find each other
DayLightenedDark Nov 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I agree that giving up isn't an option most times, even though it's a big struggle not to.
Really nice poem. It has a lasting yet sad impact. It still fills me with hope in a way, though. :D
GentlePeace Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yes! Stay filled with hope!
DayLightenedDark Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you, I will do my best to! :D And you as well!
Hello there.

I agree. This would be better if it were sang. Just written down, it seems kind of choppy and broken down. Add a tune and the meter pops out and it all works just fine. It's very simple, and that's nice. But you've got to be careful about how you vary the meter, because it's inconsistent. With songs, even if you aren't rhyming, you want a fairly consistent meter so everything falls together. And things don't quite fall together here. This piece is almost sad. The narrator seems hopeful and worried over the sad subject. I think you get across 'don't give up' quite well for this fragment. Since it does sound good with a tune, you might want to consider expanding on it a some point in the future and make it a full fledged song. Just a thought. =)

(Belated critique from #PowerfulWriting
GentlePeace Oct 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, you're right.

I'll keep that in mind, and thanks! 
You're very welcome. =)
checkyeschloe Sep 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow very powerful. Sweet yet sad giving one a sense of melancholy. :heart: truly a wonderful piece!! loved it!! :clap: :rose: 
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