Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
I see you’ve been weeping for some time now

You’re all torn out and cold

Even if all you see is darkness

You’re the bit of light that’s shining

And I know you don’t have control

But you can't just let go

Because if one day you do, you might lose yourself

Then I’ll be left alone, with no one to hold.
I couldn't come up with a better title.
This poem would sound way better if sung...

Worst thing you could do is to give up; give me your thoughts!


But anyways, watch me if you want more.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbellagbear:
BellaGBear Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
very interesting.  Love the situation you sketch about them both being fucked up and needing each other to keep from falling apart
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013
That's somewhat love, right?
Reply
:iconbellagbear:
BellaGBear Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah I guess it is. Always good to see how people find each other
Reply
:icondaylighteneddark:
DayLightenedDark Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I agree that giving up isn't an option most times, even though it's a big struggle not to.
Really nice poem. It has a lasting yet sad impact. It still fills me with hope in a way, though. :D
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013
Yes! Stay filled with hope!
:D 
Reply
:icondaylighteneddark:
DayLightenedDark Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you, I will do my best to! :D And you as well!
Reply
:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013   Writer
Hello there.

I agree. This would be better if it were sang. Just written down, it seems kind of choppy and broken down. Add a tune and the meter pops out and it all works just fine. It's very simple, and that's nice. But you've got to be careful about how you vary the meter, because it's inconsistent. With songs, even if you aren't rhyming, you want a fairly consistent meter so everything falls together. And things don't quite fall together here. This piece is almost sad. The narrator seems hopeful and worried over the sad subject. I think you get across 'don't give up' quite well for this fragment. Since it does sound good with a tune, you might want to consider expanding on it a some point in the future and make it a full fledged song. Just a thought. =)

(Belated critique from #PowerfulWriting
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013
Yeah, you're right.

I'll keep that in mind, and thanks! 
Reply
:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2013   Writer
You're very welcome. =)
Reply
:iconcheckyeschloe:
checkyeschloe Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow very powerful. Sweet yet sad giving one a sense of melancholy. :heart: truly a wonderful piece!! loved it!! :clap: :rose: 
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2013
Thank you very much.
Though, I didn't want it to be so sad.
Reply
:iconcheckyeschloe:
checkyeschloe Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
its still a wonderful piece :) 
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013
Thanks.
Reply
:iconblackravenkuria:
BlackRavenKuria Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is sweet and encouraging. 
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Thank you.
:iconadoration-plz:
Reply
:iconblackravenkuria:
BlackRavenKuria Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your welcome
Reply
:iconsafdt:
safdt Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013
lovely!
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Thanks.
Reply
:iconpatternvsuser:
PatternVSUser Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Some people should give up.

I can definitely imagine this working really good when sung, like a lullaby or something.

The title actually nails it.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013
Giving up is most of the times not a viable option.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013
"You're the bit of light that's shining."

Thank you. Thank you for the lovely, gentle yet powerful reminder that sometimes all we see is darkness because we've forgotten to look at ourselves and realize that's where the light is. Thank you for a moment of comfort and hope.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2013
I'm trying to make people happy.
I'm here for everyone.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
GentlePeace indeed.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
It has a meaning :D
Reply
:iconlacesnflowers:
lacesnflowers Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I love this poem. It brings hope.

Yes, we have to keep fighting no matter what...

Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Yup.
Eventually, something nice is bound to happen. 
Reply
:icongogo-ipi:
Gogo-Ipi Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
no, there's s.th. you can hold, though.

your lovely freedom.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
I'm a bit confused with this comment . . . 
Reply
:icongogo-ipi:
Gogo-Ipi Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sorry. Did not mean to cause confusions.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013
There's no need to be sorry!
:icongrin--plz:
Reply
:iconpandorasafterlife:
PandorasAfterlife Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist

I love it!

 

Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Thanks :iconcblushplz:!
Reply
:iconprincesskatydid:
PrincessKatydid Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I definitely thought that this would make a great song!
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
A lot of the poems I write are songs :D 
I really need to learn how to play a guitar...
Reply
:iconlordofstupidity:
LordofStupidity Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
"But you just can't let go" IMO, I think it would sound better if you switched the placement of just and can't.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Agh! You're right Xl!
Fixed it though.
Thank you!
Reply
:iconlordofstupidity:
LordofStupidity Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Heh, no worries, everyone makes mistakes. You're welcome :3
Reply
:iconanila73:
anila73 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
well would ya look at that.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
What am I seeing?
Reply
:iconanila73:
anila73 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
THAT NICENESS.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
SO NICE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconhere-nor-there:
here-nor-there Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
hold on to your light. and keep in mind that it may not be shining from where you believe it to be. i understand your plight. its never easy to let go, in any sense of the matter.  
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
That's good :D 
Reply
:iconlost-rain-poet:
LOST-RAIN-POET Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey would you like to join this new group I made. Its for writers mostly poets, if you are interested its called, #Always-Poetry thanks for reading. ~Emma. 
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Of course I'll join :D
Thanks.
Reply
:iconlost-rain-poet:
LOST-RAIN-POET Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for joining. 
Reply
:iconwarriorcats16678:
warriorcats16678 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Student Writer
That was really good. I've never been a big fan of writing poetry, but I love to read it. (Unless it's bad. Lol!) Anyway, your work was great. I'm glad I read it.
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
I'm glad I changed your mind for a few seconds :D
Reply
:icongreenolive5557:
greenolive5557 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

"Even if all you see is darkness

You’re the bit of light that’s shining"

 

That really inspired me, and I think that's a very accurate description because even when all you see, all you are in, is darkness, because you haven't given up, because you still try, you still are, you are the light that you are looking for, the light that you wish to see, the light you want to be. I think it also speaks of strength as well, to not give up and to keep trying, to keep doing, to keep living because you are the light that's shining in your darkness.

Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
Well, you are brilliant. :icongrin--plz:

Thank you for understanding.
:iconadoration-plz:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icongentlepeace: More from GentlePeace


Featured in Collections

poems by sami53

Literature and Text Based by WeepingAmongRoses

Words, words, words by PrincessKatydid


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
September 8, 2013
File Size
512 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,165
Favourites
122 (who?)
Comments
99
×